Chapter 36: The War Between Art and Functionality — Toilet Edition —
Where does human dignity reside?
It resides in the heart, in the soul, and in the toilet walls.
Carrying the now-heavier Run, I reached the library and immediately faced one of the greatest crises of my life.
The location was the staff restroom at the back of the library.
“…Are you serious?”
I asked in a trembling voice.
Standing before me was that flamboyant architect, Leonardo.
With a triumphant expression, he pressed a large blueprint against the wall.
“I’m completely serious.
This is the ultimate form of ‘liberation’ I have arrived at!”
The drawing he indicated showed a toilet stall.
However, there were no walls.
More precisely, every wall and door was drawn as transparent glass.
“I call it the ‘Crystal Sanctuary.’
By relieving oneself in an unobstructed space, people can become one with nature!”
“Rejected.”
I answered instantly.
I rejected it in zero seconds, without hesitation.
“Why!?
This transparency, this lighting.
Isn’t it beautiful?”
“Lord Leonardo.
What exactly do you think a toilet is?”
I pressed my fingers to my temples.
A headache was forming.
It seemed the word ‘privacy’ did not exist in this man’s dictionary.
“A toilet is a sacred space where people are at their most vulnerable and embrace solitude.
You want to make it glass-walled?
That means it’s completely visible from the outside.”
“Do not fear being seen!
Excretion is a law of nature!
The desire to hide it is what clouds the soul!”
“I am perfectly fine with a clouded soul if it comes with walls.”
I did not yield.
This was no joke.
Claude, Sylvia, or visiting scholars occasionally came to the library.
If they arrived while I was inside a glass-walled toilet, it would be social death.
As a royal consort, my dignity would be flushed away.
“Besides, it’s unsettling.
Do you really think smooth elimination is possible while feeling like someone might be watching?
You’ll get constipated.”
“Hah.
I told you, tension itself gives birth to beauty!”
Leonardo refused to listen.
He snapped his fingers.
The craftsmen standing behind him—apparently brought along—carried in massive glass panels.
“Come on, let’s begin construction.
First, remove this old-fashioned wooden door and wall!”
“Stop it.
Do not touch my toilet.”
Still holding Run, I stepped in front of them.
This was a holy war.
A battle I absolutely could not lose to protect my moments of peace.
But the opponent was forceful.
The craftsmen raised their hammers.
Were they planning to break through by force?
Should I blast them away with magic?
No, using attack magic indoors risked destroying the toilet itself.
Was this the end?
Just as I thought that—
“Kyuu!”
A lively cry came from my arms.
It was Run.
Despite having eaten a breakfast dress earlier, it was sniffing the air eagerly.
“…Run?”
Run’s round eyes were fixed on one point.
The massive blueprint Leonardo had spread across the floor.
Scattered over it were large amounts of eraser shavings, likely from his fervent revisions.
The blueprint itself was drawn on the finest parchment with ink that emitted a distinctive fragrance.
To Run, it must have looked like a luxurious full-course meal.
“Kyuu~”
Run leaped from my arms.
Its kitten-sized body was heavy, but its movements were swift.
Its short limbs spun as it launched like a bullet toward the blueprint.
“Hm?
What’s that lizard?
Hey, shoo, shoo!
Stay away from my masterpiece!”
Leonardo waved his hands to drive it off.
But Run’s appetite could not be stopped.
Shhk.
Its long tongue shot out.
The target was the eraser shavings on the blueprint.
But the momentum carried it too far—
Rip.
Its sticky tongue latched onto the paper itself and rolled it up.
“Eh?”
Leonardo froze.
So did I.
Munch.
Chomp.
Run bit off the edge of the blueprint and began chewing happily.
The crisp texture of parchment and the rich aroma of ink.
Run’s eyes sparkled with delight.
“Ah… ah…”
The blueprint slipped from Leonardo’s hands.
No, before it could even fall, Run took another bite.
Rip, rip, rip.
“St-Stop iiiiiit!”
Leonardo screamed.
“My ‘Crystal Sanctuary’!
My one-of-a-kind piece I drew all night!”
He rushed to retrieve the blueprint, but Run was fast.
With the blueprint clamped in its mouth, it slipped under the bookshelves.
Then, from the safety of its hiding spot, it continued its feast.
Munch munch.
Gulp.
“Kyuu!”
A few seconds later, nothing remained.
The toilet blueprint had vanished into Run’s stomach.
“N-No…
My vision…”
Leonardo collapsed to the floor.
His face had gone completely pale.
Apparently, he truly had not made a copy.
Artists were creatures notoriously careless about backups.
I picked up Run as it returned, ink smudged around its mouth.
“Oh dear, Run.”
I wiped its mouth with a handkerchief.
“I’m so sorry, Lord Leonardo.
It seems our cleaner disposed of some unsanitary trash.”
“T-Trash!?
That was art!”
“To Run, it’s the same thing.
He can tell what is ‘unnecessary.’”
I looked down at him coldly.
“Animals have sharp instincts.
Your blueprint was something that triggered a biological ‘NO.’
That is all.”
“Damn it…
Are you saying my aesthetic was rejected by a mere lizard…!”
Leonardo slammed his fist to the floor in frustration.
But without the blueprint, construction could not proceed.
The craftsmen looked confused, asking what to do.
“…Withdraw!”
Leonardo shouted.
“Remember this!
Next time I’ll bring it carved into stone, not paper.
If it’s edible, try eating that!”
Leaving behind his threat, he stormed off, cape fluttering.
The craftsmen hurriedly carried the glass panels away.
Silence returned.
The toilet walls were safe.
“…Phew.”
I let out a breath of relief.
That was close.
I had nearly been condemned to restless toilet visits.
“Well done, Run.
Excellent work.”
“Kyuu!”
Run puffed out its chest proudly.
Its belly was bulging.
One full parchment sheet must have been quite the meal.
Perhaps it could skip dinner tonight.
As I stroked Run’s head, I realized once again.
This creature was not just a vacuum.
It was a reliable knight that protected my peace.
It was worth provoking Claude’s jealousy.
However.
The battle with Leonardo was not over.
He was not the type to give up.
Stone slabs next?
Fine.
Even if Run could not eat them, I would pulverize them with magic.
Just as I renewed my resolve, even worse news arrived the next day.
This time, I was not the victim.
It was the man at the very top of the country—King Louis himself.
“Eliana…
Help me…!”
The king was carried into the library, clutching his lower back and groaning.
When I learned that the cause was once again one of that architect’s ‘creations,’ my anger finally crossed the breaking point.