“This is impossible…”

I muttered under my breath.

To put it bluntly, this had turned into an incredibly troublesome situation.

Why was someone as unsuited for this kind of case as me the one who got called here?

The reason was simple.

I happened to be the closest one.

And, more importantly, I was always free.

When it came to having absolutely nothing to do, there probably wasn’t anyone who could beat me.

But tonight was the one exception.

I had an incredibly important secret date coming up.

That was why I’d dragged myself all the way to Kabukicho at this hour.

And then this pointless emergency call came in.

Swallowing my frustration, I rushed over…

Only to find this mess waiting for me.

This was way more than I could handle.

If it had been Yaduru, he’d probably say something like, “The chosen are simply given the roles meant for them,” with that usual calm expression of his.

The scattered teru teru bozu lying across the street had been heartfelt gifts, given only to the peculiar geeks whom Teruo-san deemed worthy.

Now they were strewn across the road, sadly stained with mud.

And the ones mercilessly kicking the poor old man…

Not just now.

Not just until this bitter night ended.

Tomorrow.

The day after tomorrow.

And for the rest of their miserable lives.

Those two pieces of trash would never have anything to do with living honest lives.

Just looking at them screamed that they were dangerous scumbags.

“You’re pissing me off, old man!”

“You stinking old bastard! You smell like sh*t!”

Every time one of them kicked him, painful groans escaped the old man’s lips.

“Ugh…”

“Ah…”

It was obvious at a glance that I had to save him.

But how?

If I charged in headfirst, there was no way I’d win.

Not even a one hundred and twenty percent chance.

If fighting was out of the question, then talking?

Forget it.

That would end exactly the same way.

I’d just get beaten up alongside him.

My brain, fueled by plenty of oxygen and blood, worked at full speed searching for the best possible solution.

There was no one nearby I could ask for help except a bunch of drunks.

They weren’t going to be any use.

Going to get a police officer would take far too long.

I was worried Teruo-san’s injuries might become fatal before then.

I had to do something.

Right now.

The only real option was to draw their attention to me and lure them into chasing me.

If I was going to run, I’d need to provoke them properly.

As long as I could keep them chasing me all the way to Hungry Mama, that would be good enough.

And if things really went south…

I could just drag them over there.

That would wrap everything up quickly.

I didn’t have much time either, so I’d really like to settle this as fast as possible.

Now then…

How exactly should I do it?

My body might be hopeless, but my mind was still pretty sharp.

In an instant, what seemed like three fairly decent ideas came to me.

[Option 1: Hit Them from Behind]

Sneak up, land a surprise punch, make the scumbags redirect their anger toward me, then run.

Rejected.

Getting close enough to punch them was too dangerous.

There were two of them.

The odds of getting caught were too high.

[Option 2: Call for Help]

“Officer! Over here!”

Just yell as loudly as possible.

Questionable.

I couldn’t predict how they’d react.

Even if I ran, there was no guarantee they’d chase after me.

[Option 3: Provoke Them by Taking Photos]

Use my phone’s flash to snap pictures, piss them off, then immediately run.

This could work.

More than anything, it was simple.

I could keep my distance, making it much easier to escape.

If I threatened to upload the pictures online or hand them over to the police, they’d probably take the bait.

If they closed the distance all at once, it’d be dangerous…

But this was probably my only choice.

I needed to move quickly.

And stay calm.

Still…

It was almost impressive how perfectly this utterly unsuitable headache had landed in my lap at exactly the wrong moment.

My bad luck stat had seriously reached ridiculous levels.

Seriously…

Could the gods give me a break for once?

I’ve been contributing day and night.

Shouldn’t I get at least a little blessing in return?

Nothing ever pays off.

“Haaah… what a pain…”

Letting out a long, heavy sigh that felt like happiness itself had turned tail and run away, I pulled my smartphone from my coat and opened a certain mysterious messaging app.

“Yaduru, I’m sending you a picture.”

I selected the camera, attached the image, switched the flash on, and fired off a rapid burst of photos.

A brilliant flash sliced through the darkness, making the men’s movements appear frozen in slow motion.

“Huh?”

“Who the h*ll are you?!”

The two targets…

Scumbag One and Scumbag Two, as I mentally dubbed them…

Turned to face me.

‘Whoa… their faces are terrifying!’

Flash.

One more time.

At least they’d stopped attacking Teruo-san.

Good.

Phase one was a success.