Chapter 16: The Magical Tool Goes Out of Control and I Turn into a “Fully Automatic Washing Machine”

Technological progress does not always bring happiness.
Especially when misdirected passion is poured into it.

In the center of the library sat a massive wooden crate.
Burned into its side were the words “Imperial Magitech Bureau – Top Secret.”
I had a very bad feeling about this.

“Come on, Master!
Open it!”

Hilda-sama’s eyes were sparkling as she gripped a crowbar.
I watched nervously as the lid was pried open.

Crack, creak.
The lid came off, the packing straw was pulled away.
And what emerged was—

“…Is that a tank?”

I asked with a completely straight face.

It was a lump of iron.
Dull gray armor plating.
Rugged caterpillar tracks.
And at the front, a gigantic intake port gaping open like the jaws of a beast.
No matter how you looked at it, this was not cleaning equipment.
It was a weapon designed to smash through trenches on the battlefield.

“No, Master!
This is the latest autonomous cleaning golem, ‘Abyss Unit One’!”

“Abyss…?
Isn’t that name a little too ominous?”

“It’s equipped with a magitech engine that embodies the pinnacle of Imperial technology!
Its suction power is ten times that of conventional models!
No stubborn filth can withstand it!”

Hilda-sama proudly slapped the armor.
It made a loud clank.
It looked sturdy enough that if it rammed into a bookshelf, the bookshelf would lose.

“…Well, since it’s a gift.
Shall we do a test run?”

I took several steps back.
Specifically, behind the sturdiest counter in the room.
My instincts were screaming at me to flee.

“Very well!
Initiating startup!”

Hilda-sama pressed the red button on top.

Buuuun…

A low driving hum filled the room.
The magitech engine growled, and the fan inside the intake port began to spin.

Kiiiiiiiiin!!

The sound rapidly escalated into a jet-engine-like shriek.
Wind whipped up.
Papers on the desks flew into the air.

“Oh!
What tremendous suction power!”

Hilda-sama shouted.
Her voice was nearly drowned out by the roar.

[Target confirmed.
Commencing cleaning.]

With a cold synthetic voice, the iron mass began to move.
The tracks scraped the floor as it advanced.
Fast.
Far too fast for a vacuum cleaner.

Vwooooom!!

The trash can in front of it was swallowed whole in an instant.
That wasn’t all.
A nearby chair.
A stack of books.
And the curtains by the window.

[Obstacle detected.
Eliminating.]

“H-Hey!
Those aren’t trash!”

I shouted, but the golem didn’t listen.
Riiip, craaash!
The curtains were shredded and sucked inside.
Then it pivoted and locked onto my beloved sofa.

“Wait, Abyss!
That’s Master’s throne!”

Hilda-sama tried to stop it, but the golem did not halt.
Had the Imperial engineers never taught it how to stop?

Rrrrrrk!
The sofa legs were chewed apart.
The cushions screamed as they were devoured.

“Aah, my nap spot…!”

As if that weren’t enough, black smoke began to pour from the exhaust vents on the back.
The debris it had sucked in was being pulverized inside, exceeding capacity.

Pshh!
Pshhh!

“…Mud?”

From the exhaust, a black sludge sprayed out.
The cleaning fluid tank and debris must have mixed and backflowed.

Splat!
Squelch!
Mud splattered across the walls, the floor, and the once-pristine bookshelves.
The cleaner was making the room dirtier.
It completely defeated the purpose.

“W-What is this!?
This isn’t cleaning at all!”

Hilda-sama went pale.

“Damn it, is it malfunctioning!?
Then I’ll destroy it and stop it!”

She drew her sword and took a stance, aura flaring.

“Wait!”

I burst out from behind the counter.

“Don’t cut it!
If you destroy it now, the garbage and sludge inside will explode and ruin the entire room!”

“B-But at this rate, the library will become a sea of mud!”

“I’ll handle it!”

I thrust out my index finger.
Now was no time to hold back.
To protect my peace and cleanliness, a little seriousness was justified.

I took a deep breath.
I pictured a washing machine.
One so massive it washed the entire world.

“Target area, entire library.
Exclusion targets, humans and intact books.
Targets, moving scrap metal and all organic and inorganic filth.
—《Full-Area Wash: Full Clean》!”

Flash!

A blinding light burst from my fingertip.
It surged like a torrent and engulfed the room.

Normally, cleaning magic only repels surface grime.
But my magic was different.
It overwrote the very concept of “dirty” into “clean.”
In other words, it decomposed filth with magic and erased it.

Within the light, the rampaging golem stopped.
No, it wasn’t just stopping.
The “rampaging magical energy” clinging to it was recognized as filth and forcibly purified.

Ssssshh…

The light receded.
The splattered mud dissolved into the air and vanished.
The torn curtains and mangled sofa did not return, but every trace of dirt on them was gone.

And the golem.
Its black coating had been completely stripped away, leaving gleaming silver metal exposed.
The excess magical energy clogging its internal circuits had been washed away, and it lay utterly silent.

“…Phew.”

I exhaled and slumped down.
Conceptually cleansing an entire room was exhausting.
I might be bedridden tomorrow with magical exhaustion.

Silence returned to the library.
All that remained were spotless floors, unharmed books, and the former vacuum cleaner now reduced to a silver sculpture.

Hilda-sama stood frozen with her sword raised.
Her eyes were wide with fear.

“…Impossible.”

She whispered in a trembling voice.

“You stopped a magitech engine’s rampage with magic?
No… you ‘washed away’ the very structure of its magical formula?
Such a thing… is that even possible for a human?”

“It is.
Dirt is dirt.”

I stood and brushed dust from my clothes.

“Hilda-sama.
Thank you very much for the wonderful gift.”

“Huh?”

“Thanks to it, I was able to do a thorough cleaning.
…I’ll never use it again, though.”

I smiled sweetly.
I doubt my eyes were smiling.

Hilda-sama snapped to attention and saluted sharply.

“I-I am terribly sorry!!”

Her apology echoed hollowly through the spotless room.

Afterward, guards rushed in after hearing the commotion.
All they found was a sparkling-clean room and us calmly drinking tea.
The guards left, puzzled.

Hilda-sama collected the silver golem, now just scrap metal, vowing to send it back to the engineers with a scolding.

I sat on a spare chair in place of my ruined sofa and sipped my cold tea.

“…Manual labor really is best.”

Tools that are too convenient only bring misfortune.
Living within one’s means is the greatest luxury.

Just as I reached that realization, an invitation arrived the next day.

It was from King Louis.
The contents said, “To apologize for yesterday’s trouble and as thanks, let’s go on a picnic.”

A picnic.
It sounded pleasant.
But the location was the Royal Hunting Grounds, and the participants included an armed Hilda-sama.

At that point, it was obvious this would not be a simple outing.

I looked up at the heavens.
Why is it that everyone around me refuses to sit still?